So… given that this site has next to no readership, I have decided to occasionally use it to try and get off my chest why I am… on occasions… a complete mental case.
I have suffered from the big D word since I was about 15, high school was tough for me, the way it is for everyone. But for me… it seemed to be different. Not worse… exactly. Just different. I wasn’t bullied, I wasn’t struggling at school, I had lots of great friends (and still have most of them) but I just couldn’t be happy. This carried on, on and off for… well… forever.
Well that is until about 6 years… it got worse. Let me begin by saying I am one of the lucky ones, I have never felt the need to not be here, I have never once considered suicide, for that I consider myself very lucky.
For a lot of people with depression, for someone to say it got worse, they would probably ask what could be worse… for the answer to that I would have a one word answer… anxiety.
A few years ago, I got to a stage I couldn’t get out of it by myself anymore, I picked a horrible fight and said some horrible things to one of the most important people in my life, it was at that stage I realised I had to actually do something about it. So off to the doctors I went… I wasn’t expecting to be surprised, I had researched enough about it to be aware that I struggled with depression, but I was surprised. I was diagnosed with anxiety… this was completely alien to me. But as they talked me through the symptoms and what it could feel like… cliche I know… but she could have been talking about my life up until this point. I had never felt more lost, I honestly thought I knew what it was and that I had it under control. The truth is I did have it under control, but i didn’t know what it was, it was such a strange concept to me that physical feelings I had pretty much always had when stressed, or low, or run down, or just randomly on a Tuesday… No one else had that? Really? How did I not know this before!
Since then I have it under control about 80% of the time. I have rubbish days, and I have a few really rubbish days. But most of them are good.
I think we’re defiantly at the TMI stage for a first post on this subject so I will end it here. I would be more than happy answer questions such anyone have any there is just one thing I won’t be talking about which is my personal triggers, there is one big life event that I notice I always think about when I am having what I call my ‘mental moments’. All I will say is that it’s guilt.
I feel a bit better already, which I guess is the purpose!
Thanks to anyone who reads this